i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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