you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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