I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dick very happy bro
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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