Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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