fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she smelled like a LAN party
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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