So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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