I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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