just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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