You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So much Jack, so little girl.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
