How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
