I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
