A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Randomize
