Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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