one two three fourrrrnication!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
