I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
