I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
