It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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