i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
