I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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