God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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