I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
