I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
