Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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