please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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