you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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