sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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