How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
