I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
