My friends, they love my intelligence
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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