I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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