she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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