OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
