you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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