i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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