You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
