We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Help. Why am I so naked?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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