Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
