That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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