Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
