woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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