if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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