The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
