i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
