I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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