Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
