I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
