I think I just saw someone hide a body.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
