There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So drunk its hurt
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
