Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
