Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
