I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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