If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
so much tequila, so little girl.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I believe in your delicious
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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