There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
