Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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