Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...