Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.