sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
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For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
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I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it