its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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