I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
