i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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