after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
