Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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