I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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